i feel life is so hard, specially in the mornings

February 10, 2009 at 8:24 am (INFP, Stress)

I find the morning the most difficult part of the day. I find it difficult to get out of the bed.

Once I get out of the bed and I get going things become a bit easier. But the moments before getting out of the bed are very difficult. It is like in those moments I ask myself: what am I getting up for? who am I getting up for?

I understand that my problem is a psychological one. Like most people, I really have what to wake up for. But on the other side, I have suffered quite a lot in the past and somehow I have these idea that it is much more likely that I will suffer in the future than that I will be happy.

I had a kind of (normal) love-hate relationship with my family. I am trying to get over it and love them but in a way all that I am doing is to shut down my real emotions. The truth is they deserve to be loved – I am a grown up now and I see how hard it is to raise a child and what efforts they made to raise me, my brother and my sister.

I feel that maybe the way that I am trying to shut down my bad feelings towards my parents, as well as feelings of being sad and lonely and missing being with a partner that I would love, make me less emotionally involved in life.

When we shut down emotions, we become distant from everything. We lack passion, we lack love, and as a result we might feel that no one and no cause are worth the effort of getting out of bed in the morning.

God, how I need to feel loved and feel in love.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not thinking about suicide. I would not do such a thing, it feels like to much effort. But if I would die, I would feel happy. If I had a button that I could push and it would take me out of this life without making others suffer (like if it would erase all memories and all record about me), then I would do it. I would push the button.

I don’t feel like this all the time. But I feel like this almost every morning.

Sometimes it makes me mad. I ask my self: how the f**k did I become such a dysfunctional human being?

I used to believe that what caused these feelings was the fact that I took my life in the wrong direction. Now I am taking it in what I feel is a good direction, but still the problems are there.

Now I feel that it is rather a problem with how I see the world, how I see myself – how I see life in general.

I feel like such a kid. It is like I am trying to live now the childhood that I did not have when I was young. In a way it kind of makes sense. I remember that I used to say a lot to my self: “I will do now as my parents say, but just wait until I grow up.”

Now all I want is to procrastinate, to do nothing. And I change my mind a lot regarding my goals and projects.

Everyday I feel like I need a vacation. And nothing in the world seems to be worth the effort.

And man… I have an easy life. Really, I have been blessed. I am healthy, my family is quite whealthy. I am a smart guy, not bad looking. I have good friends.

I don’t have a real job. Maybe here is the real problem. On one side I feel that I cannot have any real job because it would be to much effort. On the other side, not having a job affects my feelings of self-worth.

What should I do?

To make it worst, if I were to get a normal job now it would mean to change my goals once again, and I am tired of doing this.

I wish it could all stop. I wish there was that button that I could push.

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14 Comments

  1. yeshim said,

    being a psychologist is abnormal who says that ?

  2. yeshim said,

    why do I have to say something all the time ? 🙂 I just wanted to say that my situtation and yours are alike.I think I know why we are like this and why nothing suits on us.Because we got lost once, and now we are awakened.We now are aware that for a long time we had been living somebody’s life who were really happy with the goals that he/she wanted to reach.We thought that those goals were ours.But no they weren’t.We just did what we were supposed to do by our families, friends and whatever.I’m not really sure about if this was my fault or my family’s.Maybe both.The funniest thing is that I always thought that I was self aware.But no I wasn’t.When I was on the third year at university, I lost my father.Then my mother caught a panic disorder.So I went to ask for an advise for my mom to our counselor at the university.Then she asked me if I wanted to come to see her for myself not for my mom.And the story began.Who am I?, What do I want? My father died because of his third heart attack but the main reason was his alcholism.Maybe the reason is this.My love/hate, idealization/devaluation, passive/aggressive kind of borderline attitude stems from this.I also love or hate myself, my friends, my family, my life, writing, reading etc…And I’m really bored.Maybe we should go back to past and first start to love ourselves first, before somebody loves us…We shouldn’t behave on behalf our family, friends, dates etc all the time.We are just responsible for ourselves. Nobody had taken us serious because of being so busy with their own lives and problems and we interfered in them and held our problems back.So now its our turn to be cared of.I don’t really mind anyone who says’ you should do something with your life’.I just say that ‘don’t bother this is what I’m trying to do if you let me .’

  3. yeshim said,

    Also i want to add something:
    Watch out the films below

    About a Boy- Hugh Grant

    Runaway Bride- Julia Roberts & Richard Gere

    Amilé- Audrey Tautou

    the main characters are Enneagram Type 9 I think.

  4. infpidealist said,

    thank you yeshim

  5. INFP I AM said,

    I didn’t realize you were a man. But do you feel like a man, do other people threat you like a man. Maybe it’s time to sort out that realationship with your family that you had.

    I believe that could do you wonders wonders.

    As I am doing the same thing now, Trying to get things sorted out. As I have been hiding my feelings for far too long, and just had other control and create all the action, with poor communications in my home.

    I have felt the same. I Just wants to press this “delete” button already.

    By the way I am 26 and single, never had a real job. So at least you has something going, but rule no. 1 for me, try to not compare myself with others!

    As we are the dreamy ones, creative… this started being a game to me. Comparing and telling myself I “must be thankful because….others…”

    And still I was miserable inside, for many years.

  6. S butterfly said,

    “God, how I need to feel loved and feel in love.”

    This love part happened now, even if the post is dated last year(near your birthday…).I told you I wouldn’t change a thing about you, cuz I like you just the way you are.You are lazy sometimes, messy, complicated and beautiful in all ways.You are for “the underdog” and for the unconventional.You are calm, thoughtful ,handsome, just as responsible as you need to be, which is perfect , you make me laugh and feel that good things can happen if I just wait long enough, I feel like you were made for me, that I was designed for you.
    You don’t have to shut down emotions around me and that is also a very very very good thing.I also like the “I feel like a kid”part.What’s wrong with that?It would not be normal not to want to live childhood again.Any adult should want that chance.Even if the childhood was good or bad.If it was good, than great.If it had it’s ups and downs, that it would be a great opportunity to fix the bad stuff.You are my kid, and kids never do as told(thanks God for that!)
    You told me about the underdog.Well, pui, we are the underdogs:*
    P.S. I’m proud of being yours>:D<:*

  7. Anon said,

    I hope you are doing better now. I feel exactly like you described every once in a while. It sucks not knowing what the hell it is that I want, what the hell it is that I should do. It used to bother me a lot that I could find no meaning whatsoever in this life I’m living. But I found this quote that made me feel better:

    “If our society seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras, perhaps this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species. As our collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point, we are at last ready to accept life’s fundamental truth: that life’s only purpose is life itself. ” -Sheng-Ji Yang

    I’ve since moved on from the meaning of life question and am asking myself another more important (I feel) one: How should I live my life?

    I have yet to find the answer.

    but on a side note, I think that doing work is very important to feeling good about oneself. Just the act of creating is I find, extremely therapeutic. You must of course be doing something you want to do, driven by your own ideals and vision.

    It may be terribly hard to get started, but once you get the momentum going, and start feeling the awesomeness of the work you’re producing, I think you’ll feel much more better about yourself.

    You could even share your work with friends/family/other people through the internet or what not. It could totally promote the interaction and appreciation that will make us feel loved. In fact, creating something meaningful together with other people could be a really wonderful thing.

  8. infpbrother said,

    I can relate to this quite well.

    It sucks, when you watch the TV, walks around the city, anywhere you go you see peoples going through the day with their jobs just normally (as if they had no problems)

    But they do have problem of their own. And some (not all) doesn’t necessarily enjoy their jobs. Though they can tolerate with it to a higher or lower degree.

    Still, that’s not really the same case being an INFP.

    What seems useless to say, ENTJ, would seem very useful to INFP. For example doing poets, writings and other creative output. To add, most INFP might have strong Faith, that might be their very own personal beliefs or any ones that suits them most comfortably.

    As you’d probably already know, INFP would more often did these instinctively as they are more inclined to “solve” their internal conflicts. However, being an idealist makes it tougher for them to arrange between their life according to their long-term expectation and their situation at the present.

    Personally through my experience I believe an INFP needs to know exactly who they are and how they are wired;they need to “revisit” their characteristics, advantage and “weakness” on a daily basis. INFPs tendencies to delve into “other-worldliness” somehow makes it easier for them to forget and lost track of themselves. This is especially more evident to INFPs who – for some reason – had to be more involved with people more frequently under some circumstances (e.g. studying in college and staying at the hostel there five days a week)

    And true, as an INFP myself, I find morning the toughest time of the day ever. And I’m more prone to be more energized at night, alone.

    I’m not saying doing these would guarantee success. I’ve been to numerous of nerve-wrecking, emotional hell of experience. Though I always try to find ways to do things better and as hard it seems sometimes, deep inside I really believe an INFP could make a very significant contribution and positive change to the society though the path towards it might not be as smooth.

  9. Kazza said,

    Oh dude, comiserations on the family. Very tough to be an INFP in a family of ST’s! I almost pushed the button myself! After 35 years of emotional abuse by Mum and both sisters (I escaped from home at 17 to build a more happy life), my Mum decided to try explain to me why they hated me so much (sorry, not ‘hate’, just ‘anger at me’). The reason: I was too talented, too bright, too slim, too artistic, it seems I even had fingernails that were too long, plus I didn’t enrage my father with drinking, smoking and slutting (like my sisters did), and worst of all – “they threw everything they could at me, and it seemed like water off a duck’s back – how did I think that made them feel?”

    Seriously? (No question about how it might have made me feel!) And I took it all with a sweet disposition, which I recently found out made them hate me even more. I seriously thought I was just unlovable for years, just defective and unlovable. But I found out that God loves me very much, so I see myself in His eyes now, and I am very lovable after all! (Final words from my Mum: ‘But you know they really love you, right?” Love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrongs, it doesn’t envy, it isn’t jealous, proud or rude.” Nope. Never saw any love from those people at all. And I am quite OK with it, but I am not going back there, ever!

    I carved out a succesful life, full of good firends, music, art and beauty. For about 3 years I got out of bed every day through sheer willpower. My advice: ‘success is the best revenge’. Get off your backside and live!! get a goal and go for it!

    And reject what family says about you if it isn’t true. You may not realise it, but most types envy our freedom to be us, our emotions, our concious living, our high highs, our talent and creativity. Live man. you only got one life!!

  10. Nova said,

    If only I could have friends like you all……. I can completely relate to you all. Its wonderful to know that people like me do exist out there. Thank you guys for sharing parts of your life on this website because it made me feel really really good to know that I am not alone, I am not the only one who feels like this, who faces these kinds of problems.
    I wish I could have you all in my college and as my friends so that i dont feel alone & lonely all the time. Would be nice to talk to someone. Would anyone like to?

  11. angel722 said,

    People need a reason to get up in the morning. They need a reason to go through the day and to feel like they accomplished something useful at the end of the night.
    I find that mornings are my roughest moments as well,as I am often filled with either apathy or simply depressed. Usually what helps me is to not linger to long in bed. I get up and make a cup of coffee and then begin a morning meditation/prayer and writing in a journal. This seems to help me shed the lower emotions that accumulated the night before and give me a better perspective on the day. I realized the importance of being able to accomplish something fulfilling during the day. For me, idle hands is the devil’s playground and will only make me spiral down.
    I don’t have the answers to solve this, all I can say is that the more active I am, the better I feel. I’m not to big on routine and each day ends up turning into a new adventure, whether it be an outer expression or inner, self expression is key.
    You have it quite lucky. Not only do you have the time, but you also have the money to take full advantage of whatever your heart desires. Find your passion and tap into it. Explore new things, idea’s, places. Or seek deeper within. Purpose isn’t something that it given to us, it is something we must create within ourselves.

  12. forever said,

    I hope you still maintain this blog because I want you to see this. I am an INFP myself. I often feel stuck and a victim of circumstances. I live in a society, and a traditional family that just does not understand my non-traditional views and the way I would like to lead my life. And for years now, I have been waking up early with a feeling of deep sadness that I could not understand. So I would go back to sleep and force myself to sleep in despite the sunrise rise and the chirping of birds having woken me up. Having a vivid imagination, I often theorized that my dream world (an alternate reality) was way perfect and better than this world, and that is why I woke up sad everyday. I often wrote about this feeling. It feels like a spiritual heartbreak. It’s not a heartbreak about loss. It’s a heartbreak about knowing you could never have what you want to have, be who you want to be, and lead the life you want to lead. There have been times where I’ve had extreme lows in my life and having such a deeply rooted sadness made sense (although I did feel it was from another world, or alternate reality…that the sadness I felt was not due to the things I was experiencing, but maybe the lacktherof). However, when I experienced extreme highs, when I truly felt free, I still experienced that sadness. And slowly I learned to stay awake regardless, ignore it until it went away, and went on with my day. The sadness never left, but I learned to manage, and it started to last less and eventually would only last for 1-2 seconds upon waking up. But because that feeling was so raw, I could never quite shake it. It was trying to tell me something, ever so desperately and I just did not understand. Why did I have to ALWAYS wake up sad?
    Eventually, I started to wake up early (or stay on until the crack of down) and something amazing started to happen. During that time of the day, all worries disapeared, my mind was empty and had no thoughts, I didn’t care about pressure, life goals, achievements, or being happy. All I cared about was being, listening to the silence, occasionally hearing the sounds of crickets. I gave in to that feeling, which I KNOW originates from the same source as the sadness that used to engulf me. This feeling was pure, it was a feeling of ultimate peace, of an alternate inhuman, profoundly spiritual way of being. And I’m not feeding you psycho-babble shit, or mythical crap. I recently gave up on religion and stopped believing in God altogether. This form of awakening or purity I am speaking of is personal yet universal. Basically what I’m saying is if you just sit with yourself, in the darkness of the night, right before the sun is about to rise, you will experience a kind of inner peace like no other. You will realize that your desires chain you, and once you let go of them, if only for that time of day, that deep sadness you experience upon waking up will no longer have any place in your mind, as you would have let go of it by freeing your mind and experiencing the beauty of life. As INFPs, if only we let go on overthinking things (which often drive us suicidal or to a depressed state, and nurture our minds and our hearts with the clarity available to us during that time, we will release all of our negative energy, and look at ourselves and the world from an objective non-emotional perspective, which will lead us to achieve great things. Just try it.

  13. Dyl said,

    Wow i’m not the only one that feels that way. I hope we’ll find a way to get an easier life.

  14. Josh said,

    Funny thing, we always seem to think we’re the only ones who feel a certain way. I did for a long time. I suppose it’s all the types that do. I used to wake up with these deep deep feelings of sadness and despair too. In my case, I had a phenomenal time in college. I was studying something highly technical (engineering) that I though would secure my financial future and satisfy anyone in my family or friends who would think I wasn’t capable of high-productivity, “respectable” work. It left me free to make relationships and focus on the human aspect of life like never before.

    I was well-liked, and joined a fraternity. I often felt like an odd man out, in that I know the other guys didn’t necessarily think anything like I did, and we didn’t connect on the level of sports or background, or just thoughts about life in general. But I was well liked and received, and managed to bond with just about everyone around me. Life was beautiful. I met a girl from another country and ended up studying abroad there. I was invited by her parents to stay there while she went back to the US! While there, I felt the absolute best I ever have in my life. I had someone to take care of my needs of living, who offered to feed and watch over my needs, while at the same time encouraging me to be free and meet people there. It was absolutely amazing.

    The girl was a solid ENFJ I think, and sadly, I was too young to understand that I needed to let her be her. We eventually broke up. Coming home wasn’t the same. The reality of going to find an actual “career” was looking squarely at me, and I knew I had to, since I had loans to pay back from the years of fun and expression I had experienced in college. (btw, I never liked the term “career’…it feels so limiting and boring).

    For the last 8 years, I’ve worked at a major corporation. I’ve wanted out since the beginning, but realize that it actually offers me a lot of freedom (I have a unique position that allows for a lot of flexibility that most don’t get to enjoy). Believe me, for the first 5 years or so, I woke with pure dread. I was in a foreign place, where the focus was “be on time and be productive”, not “go make friends and explore”. I couldn’t seem to find people in the working world that shared my desires for connection. Suddenly it seemed everyone’s focus had shifted, and somehow, they seemed completely okay with internalizing their new identities as workers (something that still bothers me to this day when I see friends who seem to absorb the assumptions about their behavior that thir work culture exposes them to).

    Eventually it got better, and I felt capable of doing it. For me, the only was was to look the bad feelings in the eye and march right through. Once I found a more senior person at work who did what I did, I was able to work with him and show him my value, and it really have me a sense of purpose. Even before I met him though, I found that if I just pushed through that initial bad feeling, I was able to find purpose more and more. Not enough to be truly satisfied of course (that may never happen), but enough to build momentum. I still have bad days here and there, but my life is nowhere near as full of the fear it once was. I see possibility, and found that even though I’m not necessarily a good fit for most traditional jobs, I seem to connect very well when interviewing, and have received many offers just because I decided to apply and see what happened (it somehow gives me a boost when I do this).

    Keep getting up quickly and focus on who you love and what you can do for the world. Beware NOT to compare yourself to others. You are different, and that’s a good thing. Your talents will be realized more as you grow. But for that to happen, you have to get past the fear stage and trust life/God has a plan for you.

    Best of luck, and you have my full understanding.

    -Josh

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